FADE IN:
OPENING TITLE CRAWL
The STAR WARS EXPANDED UNIVERSE has vanished. Thus, with a blank slate and endless possibilities to explore, we’re soft-rebooting A NEW HOPE and continuing to make everyone related to the SKYWALKER FAMILY.
EXT. TATOOINE JAKKU
MAX VON SYDOW hands OSCAR ISAAC a USB STICK shaped like CRAPPY LEGOS.
MAX VON SYDOW
This will begin to make things right.
OSCAR ISAAC
You mean because this device has the final piece of the map to find Mark Hamill,
who went into hiding and promised to stay in exactly the same spot for as many
years as it took for someone to put this map together?
MAX VON SYDOW
What? No, I mean this movie, it’ll set the entire franchise right. That’s
what happens when you oust the creative auteur who masterminded the entire
universe and replace him with a committee of marketers and business
executives whose primary motivation is financial rather than artistic, right?
OSCAR ISAAC
Hang on, Disney is having a meeting discussing which possible response
from me would rate most highly with all possible market demographics.
(pause)
OK, they’re done. “Yes, that is what happens. Also, remember Yoda?”
Suddenly, STORMTROOPERS attack! OSCAR ISAAC hides the map in his BB-8 droid and sends it literally anywhere. DARTH ADAM DRIVER arrives in his GIANT NAPKIN HOLDER, kills MAX VON SYDOW, then captures OSCAR ISAAC.
OSCAR ISAAC
So, who quips first? I quip first, you quip first? I know someone’s
quipping; anyone in the audience who isn’t busy laughing is going
to realize how derivative this story is in like two seconds.
DARTH DRIVER
I need that map! Stormtroopers, blow his ship up without checking if the
map’s on it first! Then kill these villagers, any of whom he may have
given the map to! And, finally, burn the entire village, including the
literal haystacks that could easily be storing the needle-sized map!
The STORMTROOPERS comply except for one, JOHN BOYEGA, who mostly stands around attracting WAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION.
INT. MOISTURE FARM FALLEN STAR DESTROYER - TATOOINE JAKKU
Meanwhile, BB-8 travels randomly around the planet surface with an apparently useless bent antenna, eventually running into …
DAISY RIDLEY
Nice to meet you, droid carrying sensitive data who’s been captured by
scavengers! I am Daisy Ridley, a plucky teenager with a mysterious family
history who dreams of a bigger destiny in the galaxy. Wow, the safeness of
this screenplay almost makes you appreciate the prequels, huh?
BB-8
Beep.
DAISY RIDLEY
Who am I? Well, luckily for you, I’m a person who speaks Beeping Droid! But
even more luckily, I’m a kind-hearted girl who actually cares about the
well-being of a droid, despite them being established as non-sentient slave
labor! But, even more luckily, I’m a fantastic mechanic, pilot, melee fighter,
and Force-sensitive future Jedi! And I’m probably related to one of the
handful of characters from the original trilogy!
(pause)
And you just ran into me at random! In a galaxy containing over 100,000 planets
and at least 100 quadrillion living beings!
BB-8
Boop?
DAISY RIDLEY
Yes, really! Also the Millennium Falcon is on this very planet just down the
road, with the keys in the ignition and the door unlocked!
(sighing)
Look, just go with it and hope the next one’s better.
DAISY RIDLEY travels to NIIMA OUTPOST with 20 tons of scrap loaded on ONE SIDE of her landspeeder and delivers it to an alien scrap dealer who strangely ISN’T A RACIST STEREOTYPE!
ALIEN SIMON PEGG
This is worth one-quarter portion of dehydrated food. That’s right, we deal
entirely with food that needs water added on this desert planet.
(notices BB-8)
Hey, I’ll give you 60 portions for that adorable droid unit you’ve got.
It looks like something my kid would enjoy playing with for about 20
minutes on Life Day morning, so that’s easily worth $149.99 worth of portions.
DAISY RIDLEY
Extremely Simplistic Screenplay Structure dictates that I must have a
“save the cat” moment, so no for some reason.
BB-8
(literally purrs)
INT. IMPERIAL FIRST ORDER STAR DESTROYER
DARTH DRIVER confronts CAPTAIN GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE.
DARTH DRIVER
I somehow know exactly which anonymous Stormtrooper didn’t murder
villagers when I said – have him killed immediately.
CAPTAIN GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE
He’s no good to me dead.
DARTH DRIVER
Fine, then I want him re-brainwashed and all of his lines dubbed over
by Temuera Morrison.
CAPTAIN GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE
As you wish.
GENERAL DOMHNALL GLEESON
I knew we should have gone with a clone army! All right, that’s our only
reference to the prequels; everyone can relax their sphincter muscles.
DARTH DRIVER
I will locate the map by using my Sith Mind-Reading-Ability on Oscar Isaac,
which joins Sith Blaster-Bolt-Freezing, Sith Lightsaber-Crossguard-Construction,
and Sith Temper-Tantrums as newly canonical superpowers that must be
immediately incorporated into video games, comic books, and novels.
Suddenly OSCAR ISAAC is rescued by JOHN BOYEGA!
JOHN BOYEGA
Oscar, I’m a Stormtrooper! We’re all abducted and brainwashed from childhood
to comply with orders, but when I watched one of my fellow Stormtroopers die
right in front of me, it woke me up to the horrors of death and violence,
so I’ve defected. Can you fly a TIE Fighter?
OSCAR ISAAC
I can fly anything; it’s my special unique skill that half the galaxy seems to
possess! But if we’re going to escape, you’ll probably have to shoot a few Stormtroop-
JOHN BOYEGA
■■■■ IT, KILL 'EM ALL AND LET THE FORCE SORT 'EM OUT!
JOHN and OSCAR steal a TIE FIGHTER and ESCAPE back to JAKKU.
EXT. TATOOINE JAKKU
JOHN wakes up in the DESERT. He goes to the wrecked fighter but finds only OSCAR’S JACKET before the ship falls into a SINKHOLE, which must then of course BELCH, because STAR WARS.
JOHN BOYEGA
Damn, stranded in a completely random location on the surface of this desert
wasteland. Assuming this planet is about the size of the smallest planet in
Earth’s solar system, I’m dealing with a surface area of about 74 million
square kilometers, so on foot I should be able to find an outpost in
approximately OH LOOK THE ONE OUTPOST WHERE EVERYONE IS!
He walks a few miles to the outpost in less time than it takes ships capable of lightspeed to fly there. He is spotted by DAISY and BB-8!
DAISY RIDLEY
Hey, my droid recognizes your jacket, so we’re all friends now. Want to come on
a galactic adventure to defeat the weakened remnants of the Empire that was
already defeated in a movie that should have just closed out this franchise
and left well enough alone?
JOHN BOYEGA
Actually, I’m a spineless coward who just wants to stick his head in the
sand while space Nazis take over the galaxy, so no. But I guess I think
you’re pretty, so yes.
Suddenly TIE FIGHTERS attack! DAISY, JOHN, and BB-8 escape in a little junker of a Corellian freighter called … THE MILLENNIUM FALCON. HOLY ■■■■ IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING.
INT. THE MILLENNIUM ■■■■■■■ FALCON
DAISY RIDLEY
We got away! Wow, look at this ship, it’s got gun turrets, a secret trap door,
Luke’s targeting droid, and even claymation chess!
JOHN BOYEGA
Yeah, the only thing that could make this a more transparent attempt to
manipulate the audience via nostalgia would be if Harrison Ford were on board,
but how would we ever justify running into-
HARRISON FORD and CHEWBACCA board the ship ■■■ ■■■ ■■■ STAR WARS IS BACK EVERYONE WHO CARES WHY!
WE LOVE YOU, DAD SOLO!
HARRISON FORD
Chewie … we’re home. Good thing I installed “Find My iPhone in Space” or
whatever otherwise this would be one insane coincidence too far, eh?
DAISY RIDLEY
It’s an honor to meet you! This droid has an extremely detailed map to find
Luke Skywalker, and we need your help. To, uh, read it, or something?
HARRISON FORD
All right, but first let’s have a totally gratuitous side encounter with octopus
creatures that inexplicably neither film editor was willing to cut.
They DO.
EXT. MOS EISLEY CANTINA LUPITA NYONG’O’S CASTLE
HARRISON AND THE GANG go visit LUPITA NYONG’O, a yellow alien whose name is literally almost MOS CANTINA.
CGI LUPITA NYONG’O
You must join the fight to restore balance to The Force! The Force, by the way,
is an energy field that surrounds and penetrates all living things, THE END.
Note the lack of microbes in my description.
JOHN BOYEGA
Daisy, I confess I’m not really a hero, but I want you to run away with me
despite having only known you for … two hours? If that?
(leaves)
DAISY RIDLEY
No, don’t leave! Please stay; it’s vitally important that- hey what’s in this box?
(views teaser trailer for Episode VIII)
Aaaaaieee!
(leaves)
HARRISON FORD
Wow, both our new heroes just totally bailed. I’ve got a bad feeling about this …
(pause)
… movie taking a hard right turn away from the whole “map to Luke” storyline
and into unapologetic original trilogy retread territory.
EXT. DEATH STAR STARKILLER BASE
GENERAL GLEESON and DARTH DRIVER meet with enormous GOLLUM CREATURE ANDY SERKIS.
GENERAL DOMHNALL GLEESON
Bwah ha, our ultimate superweapon is finally ready, and it’s yet another
Death Star! I know, I can’t ■■■■■■■ believe it either, this is the
best Lawrence Kasdan could do!
DARTH DRIVER
What, how? Aren’t we just sort of surviving on the carcass of the old Empire?
We’re even flying around in their ships! How the ■■■■ did we manage to turn an
entire planet into an enormous sun-eating eyeball gun?
With what resources? And whose money?
SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKIS
Uh, mine, I suppose? And in this movie’s most intriguing piece of originality,
I’m a 20-foot-tall giant monster – PSYCH! – this is a hologram
and I’m probably four feet tall.
The PLANET shoots an ENERGY BEAM that travels through hyperspace and blows up A BUNCH OF PLANETS, so that’s way higher stakes than those other wimpy movies that blew up only ONE PLANET at a time!
SUPREME LEADER ANDY SERKIS
Driver, we got like 40 text messages that the droid with the map was
spotted with your father … HARRISON FORD!
(pause)
Of course, this information is basically useless, since the map isn’t really
in the droid as much as it’s on the small, portable device located in the
droid’s storage bay. As such, nobody would be stupid enough to leave it there
and carry the droid from place to place across the galaxy, especially
once they are aware that we’re looking for it.
Miraculously, THEY ARE!
