RIP Dennis. Enjoy an evening of Cometti-isms…
After Hawthorn player Bradley Hill kicked a goal on Richmond’s Kamdyn McIntosh: “They say it’s easy to run down Hill… tell that to McIntosh!”
“Alan Didak was Stevie J before Stevie J was Stevie J.”
“Metropolis, kicking to the city end.”
“Remember the name: Y-Z-E—terrific young player; bad Scrabble hand.”
“Barlow to Bateman. The Hawks are attacking alphabetically …”
Referring to Port Adelaide player Josh Carr (#9) and his brother/opponent, Fremantle’s Matthew Carr (who was bumped by Josh and who also wore #9): “How’s that! A two-Carr collision, both with the same rego!”
Upon seeing Josh Carr approached by a tackler: “Carr—covered by a third party.”
On a collision between Matthew Carr and former Docker Trent Croad: “Carr was just poleaxed by his own teammate. Does that qualify as Croad rage?”
“Parker to Carr… sounds like a match made in heaven!”
“Walker to Carr. That’s progress for you.”
“Carr—drives along the wing…”
“Carr—parked alongside the boundary.”
“Carr—in heavy traffic.”
“Carr—drives into space.”
“It was like a self-saucing pudding. Players just waiting for the whistle.”
Talking about Matthew “Spider” Burton—once the tallest player in the AFL, at 210 cm—describing him as having been born on 19 and 20 May.
“Well, certainly Matthew [Richardson] thinks he’s the best player on their list at the moment… Mind you, that’s a bit like being the best centre half-forward in Czechoslovakia.”
After a Geelong player was penalised for holding the ball by pulling the ball in under a tackle: “Holding the ball. The umpire saw what the Cat just dragged in.”
After Hawthorn’s 11-game losing streak against Geelong (dubbed the “Kennett curse”) came to an end: “Get the hearse for the curse!”
Regarding Brent Guerra, who did hair-loss advertisements for The Hair Institute: “Brent hates losing, and that extends to his hair.”
In reference to redhead Cameron Ling coming off the ground due to an injury: “Ling’s running off the ground a little bit gingerly.”
“There is no footy god—only a footy accountant.”
“Before this game, I would have bet the mortgage on the Western Bulldogs, but I guess this shows that I may join the ranks of the homeless.”
After the ball was passed to 202-centimetre ruckman David Hille of Essendon, with Richmond’s David Rodan trying to spoil: “He gave it his best, but that is a big Hille to climb.”
“Scotty Cummings alone in the square, jumping up and down and waving his arms like they’re playing ‘My Sharona’.”
After Jason Gram had his shorts ripped off: “It’s a stripper-gram!”
After Western Bulldogs star Tony Liberatore burrowed into a pack and got poked in the eye: “Liberatore went into that last pack optimistically and came out misty optically.”
After Essendon’s Nathan Lovett-Murray evaded a couple of tacklers: “Lovett went one way, Murray went the other, and they were left chasing the hyphen!”
After Rhyce Shaw passed the ball to brother Heath, who promptly turned it over after a moment of indecisiveness: “Rhyce Shaw, Heath Shaw, unsure.”
“Just wonderful courage from Paul Hasleby. He bounced off one guy and into the path of another. If you watch that replay backwards, I bet it says, ‘Paul is dead’.”
“Bassett’s my man. He never takes a breather. If he was a postman, I reckon he’d finish his round in 20 minutes, stopping only to bite a few dogs.”
“Plenty of cloud about. And for anyone who’s ever called a plumber, that’s a rare sight—the moon is completely covered.”
On Heath and Rhyce Shaw’s tackling efforts: “Mitch Hahn found himself girt by Shaws.”
On Jude Bolton’s endurance: “They’ve finally got Jude Bolton off the ground, and he’s heaving like a crazed tuba player.”
“In Dubai, it’s Abu Dhabi, or as we say in Perth, Abu Derby.”
On Collingwood youngster Ben Reid, whom Cometti noted had played only four games and already had been to Arizona, Johannesburg and Dubai: “So at that rate, if he plays 200, he will rival Phileas Fogg” (of Around the World in Eighty Days fame).
In reference to Brendan Fevola’s gambling addiction: “Fevola, Betts… That’s the name, not the verb.”
“Jolly gets it to Green. Where’s the giant?”
“There’s Koutoufides—more vowels than possessions today.”
“Adelaide, a miracle at Etihad! At a Sunday afternoon with the dome closed! They’re home and hosed!”
“So it’s back to the old drawing board. Obviously a luxury that the guy who invented the drawing board didn’t have.”
On Brisbane midfielder Simon Black: “He’s like Diogenes or O. J. Simpson—he’s always searching.”
On an errant shot at goal by former Richmond defender Darren Gaspar: “Ahh, Gaspar, the unfriendly post.”
“Right now, Shannon Watt looks like a man in a darkened room trying to discover where all the furniture is.”
“The way Jakovich is playing today, he’s closer to teething than retiring.”
“When Anthony Rocca backs into a pack, he beeps.”
While the Dockers’ defence was in disarray: “Everybody wants to be Gladys Knight; nobody wants to be the Pips.”
“Hardie decides to have a bounce. Look at him go. Amazing. Not bad for a guy who’s built like a pirate’s lunch table.”
On St Kilda’s premiership drought: “The Saints have had more five-year plans than Fidel Castro.”
“West Coast are playing the Blues like B. B. King.”
After Luke Hodge tackled an unaware player: “He should’ve heard the Norm Smiths jangling!”
Referring to a scoreline of 9 goals, 2 behinds: "9.2, that’s not bad. Unless it’s your cholesterol.”
“There is something magnetic about his aura. Paul Roos should be covered in fridge magnets.”
On the one-dimensional kicking skills of Essendon forward Scott Lucas, known for his reluctance to kick on his right foot: “I think it’s safe to say Lucas takes his right leg out there purely for balance.”
On his former colleague Robert DiPierdomenico: “That’s the latest from the huddles. For those of you who don’t know, Dipper is a graduate of the Don Corleone school of elocution.”
“I swear, if Ronnie Burns were building a house, he’d start with the roof.”
“Some people might say that was a set play, but if it was, the Swans must have copied it off a Portuguese bus timetable.”
“A lot of talk these days is about ‘inside players’. Well, as we saw there, if Simon Black was any more inside he’d be a pancreas.”
On a skirmish between Bombers/Hawks great Paul Salmon and the shorter Saints star Nicky ‘Elvis’ Winmar: “Just as Winmar landed, big Salmon came crashing down on top of him. They’re slowly getting up, and now I can report the building has left the Elvis.”
Reflecting on his early career calling cricket: “1974, Australia v England at the WACA. The good old days. Literally. England all-rounder Chris Old finished with 3 wickets and 50 runs.”
“Matthew Clarke is a dinosaur thriving on climate change.”
“Bell bringing the ball out of the backline … looking for wide runners … passes to Walker … a contradiction in terms, really.”
“Hay is baled up on the boundary line.”
On his first meeting with Eddie McGuire: “Ed had an aura. I remember he asked his personal assistant, “Have you seen the letter opener?” and she replied, “It’s his day off.” I was impressed.”
“Four Blues had a chance to clear that ball. It’s what the French call esprit de goof.”
“Getting past Glenn Archer is still like trying to tiptoe past Mayfair and Park Lane with hotels.”
On the Kangaroos’ pint-sized Brent Harvey: “He might be the only guy in the competition whose feet appear in his driver licence photo.”
“Three Collingwood players on top of Harvey, pleading to the umpire. I’m not sure he had prior opportunity but he’s been pinged anyway! That may have been the ultimate kangaroo court.”
On Essendon’s Courtney Johns: “I remember, when he debuted, he had the haircut of a 400-game veteran. Unfortunately, his game didn’t gel as well as his hair.”
When a player was caught between former North Melbourne player Anthony Rock and the boundary fence: “Nasty situation. He’s caught between a Rock and a hard place.”
Regarding Adelaide midfielder Rory Sloane: “It’s like finding fault with Miss Venezuela.”
After West Coast Eagles player Peter Wilson booted an incredible goal in the 1992 grand final: “Like a cork in the ocean over his head.”
After Heath Shaw smothered Saints skipper Nick Riewoldt in the 2010 Grand Final: “He came up behind him like a librarian! He never heard him!”
On Collingwood forward Anthony Rocca’s turning circle: “Rocca comes to it … well, Rocca, like my wife driving—needs a fair bit of lane.”
Referring to Collingwood’s Jarryd Blair, who was caught underneath some opposition players: “There’s a Blair in there.”
“In for the Cats today: David and Steve Johnson. Who better to patch up a line-up than Johnson & Johnson?”
“Ball in dispute… Lamb, now Yze, the meat in the sandwich. Really, Lamb should be in the sandwich!”
“Farmer may have an injury to his calf… hmmm, a farmer with a calf problem.”
“Collingwood know they’re in trouble; it’s like being in the bathtub with the Loch Ness monster!”
“Spida had both his legs taken out from under him—leaving only the other six to balance on.”
“Solomon not quite showing the wisdom of his namesake with some of his decision-making.”
“Casanova would be jealous of that pick-up”
“Never moon a werewolf.”
Talking about Troy Luff: “Sydney just need 99 of him and they’d be floating!”
After Leigh Brown departed Fremantle, who wore an anchor on their guernsey: “Looks like Leigh Brown’s picked up a bit of pace since moving to North. Might have something to do with getting rid of that anchor.”
In reference to a player giving away a 50-metre penalty after a coast-to-coast flight: “I guess he thought: What’s another fifty metres when we’ve come three and a half thousands K’s!”
“How do you beat Rehn? Where’s Stimpy?”
On Corey McKernan’s poor form: “He’s like a long jumper who can’t reach the sand.”
After Matthew Lloyd gave Shane Wakelin a little slap on Anzac Day: “Whoa! There will be a duel at 5 o’clock!”
“I love that surname… Fixter. Sounds like something from a Batman movie—‘The Fixter’. But I digress…”
Richmond, kicking up the middle towards Ray Hall: “Richmond attack through the corridor, in this case, the Hall.”
“There’s talk of Karl Langdon offering his services to St Kilda, as if it wasn’t bad enough being in 15th position.”
During a Fremantle—Collingwood game, describing the dropping of the second of two easy marks: “The Tale of Two Sitters.”
While Mark Mercuri went up for a mark: “And the Mercuri is rising.”
In response to co-commentator Dermott Brereton asking why a player went side-on to take the mark: “He probably was trying to impress the Russian judge.”
“Like a Melbourne tram, a lot jumped on but nothing was paid.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
“Andrew Walker really needs to do more. He was sensational on debut… right up there with Billy Ray Cyrus!”
“He made a typo! He tried for Bickley and he got Buckley!”
“He was like a Bombay train. They were hanging off him in all directions.”
On Troy Wilson’s playing style: “If it ain’t broke, break it”.
“A couple of big touches from Clive Waterhouse, who was battling up until about five minutes ago, in danger of becoming Clive Waterboy.”
“Takes the mark on one knee, as if receiving a knighthood.”
“Brisbane are like a boa constrictor—they squeeze the life out of you.” Camera pans to Leigh Matthews in the coach’s box. “There’s the snake charmer.”
“Rioli lends his weight… which is substantial.”
“Great stuff by Caracella. Moments before, Ashley McIntosh had treated him like a rent-a-car.”
“Shaun goes back to collect the ball, a free kick, and several teeth.”
After Wayne Schwass took a one-handed mark, low to the ground: “Look at that… I s’pose we could call that a ‘Schwass-sticker’.”
“The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their luck, they’d probably miss.”
“That’s not one for the time capsule.”
“Kevin Sheedy, who was coaching Essendon 14 years before Adelaide was founded. The team, not the city.”
“The only change to the Eagles side is that Rowan Jones has had a haircut.”
“Those Collingwood supporters look like they’ve taken time off working on their PhDs to be here today…”
“King to Ling.” Dermott Brereton: “Just forward of the wing.” Cometti: “Don’t you start!”
“That was the third of two options.”
“That was a case of being very hard to keep up with the Joneses.”
“My God, but it’s loud in this stadium. Louder than my son’s car radio, permanently set on ‘stun’.”
On Peter German shepherding a teammate: “German shepherds.”
Discussing Brenton Sanderson being a former Magpie and Crow and now a Cat: “He goes much better as a mammal.”
After umpire Peter Carey inexplicably took a mark during a game: “The mark has been taken by umpire Carey!” … “Carey by name, Carey by nature.”
On Andrew McLeod being caught in a tackle: "Umpire Ryan is clearly a Mick Jagger fan. I swear he dashed in, shouting, 'Hey, you, get off McLeod”
