Coodabeens’ B&F rubbished by Alex ‘Best Player of All Time’ Rance
The Coodabeens had their most successful season ever in their illustrious mediocre disastrous six-year history, winning a final for the first time.
After years of pain, coach Come Back Hirdy praised the resilience of the team’s fans, and thanked them for sticking by the club.
Somewhat embarrassingly, this speech came just before the final membership number announcement, which revealed that the club had zero members in 2017.
“It turns out that we forgot to send TrevorBix his membership renewal form, and he was our only member last year,” a source close to the club revealed.
“And then we drafted a ruckman who hasn’t gone through puberty [Tim English] with our first pick, so it’s little wonder nobody new signed up either.”
That was only the first controversy of the night, with a visibly intoxicated Alex Rance overheard claiming the B&F was worthless.
“I was All Australian captain FFS,” said Rance, allegedly. “Surely I can win the crappy award of some rubbish fantasy football team. The whole ■■■■■■■ world is biased towards ■■■■■■■ midfielders.”
When asked the secret of his team’s climb from 13th to 6th in one year, Come Back Hirdy said the answer was simple. “Lack of injuries. We were very lucky with injuries this year, and that’s the only reason we did so well.”
“Based on our current trajectory, we’ll have even fewer injuries next year, and will easily win the flag.”
Asked if he would be taking any further steps to try to break into the top four for the first time ever, the coach said, “No, definitely not. That would defeat the purpose of this team, which is to lose regularly, so that some guy can write rambling, facetious, fictitious press releases for the internet.”
Lindsay Tanner Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Final votes
Matt Crouch (200)
Jake Lloyd (163)
Nat Fyfe (156)
Dan Hannebery (150)
Lewis Taylor (117)
Touk Miller (108)
Daniel Rich (107)
Lachie Whitfield (105)
Lachie Weller (100)
Zac ‘Useless Log’ Smith (99)
Rance finished 17th.