I guess the tricky part is navigating the two extremes. Having gone through a separation with two young kids, I feel there should be a compulsory counselling/mediation session to flesh out the issues and hopefully avoid extreme resentment and the problems that can follow ie from kids being used as leverage and the father goes bonkers or stalking from the father etc. Obviously there will always be whack-jobs, but having a third party help navigate custody issues separate from personal issues would be helpful.
When i seprated, the last thing on my mind was seaking out counselling/mediation services and i wouldnât have even known where to start - I also suspect a lot of blokes would be in denial that they need it and some women may not want anything more to do with the husband - I hate the nanny state but this sort of thing should be compulsory post separation and would be very helpful.
Thankfully for me, whilst my ex still kinda hates me for her own special reasons, she understands the importance of the fathers role and realises Iâm good dad and role model (not a complete deadbeat) so I havenât had these issues, but I could easily see how both sides could slip into extreme and unhealthy state of mind.
And a divorce, as traumatic as it is, is never an excuse for violence.
Being skinned alive in a divorce is sadly the failing of our legal system. (cost of the negotiation and transaction generally takes the place of any financial âinequalityâ if either party pushes hard enough. Ie Pay the lawyer or pay your ex. Most good lawyers make far too much money IMO)
People forget what your paying for in divorce is freedom from your ex partner/failed relationship. Ie your paying for future potential happinessâŚ
As for custody, well thats a tough one. But still thats in the negotiation more than the dollars. Kids absorb to an extent all your dollars if your in a struggling rship anyway.
Agree with a lot in your post with the exception of the highlighted sentence above. From a financial perspective, the skinner makes out like a bandit by bleeding dry the skinnee. Hardly paying (financially) for anything. Being paid would be more accurate.
Yeah but here is the problem. And its the system, not a persons ex.
Unless your of high net worth(and even then you can push legal action a long way). Your either putting the money in your exes pocket or a lawyers.
There is also the time cost of Money and the emotional toll. Move on as quickly as possible.
The only reason to drag is when that equation(its cheaper to pay lawyers and wait it out) that its worth pushing.
And that cost is high IMO.
Going through it all really makes you reevaluate the worth of personal relationships without prenuptials.
Its just a recipe for pain and often its on both sides. I donât buy into the wholr argument theres a lot of happy exes based on their financial settlements. There are happy exes cos they have moved onto a better life.
You wouldnt go into a business partnership without your accounts and legals sorted out, dont ignore it privately.
The problem is that using solicitors is a little like nuclear warfare. If the other side has them, you have to match. Obviously in a perfect world neither party needs or chooses to use a lawyer. But as soon as one does, the other has to. The real problem here is that too many splits are acrimonious (which is the nature of humanity) and that good lawyers cost so much.
Also, sometimes there are good reasons to use a lawyer. There will sometimes be differences in the knowledge and intelligence of both parties, where one party needs a lawyer to even the playing field. Its all fine if both parties are trustworthy, but how often does trust survive a split?
If theres domestic violence I think its worth getting out no matter the financial situation. Should value your health and safety first.
And a lot of cases only reason people stay together with domestic violence is due to financial reasons make it hard to leave.
As soon as you divorce can expect to have half of what you have worked for. Often both parties can be worse off. one partner gets asset, the other one still has their income.
And the partner who loses more can lack the drive to try and build wealth again.
Plus then theres also child support to pay, and most dads are counting down the birthdays till the kids turn 18 and they dont have to pay it anymore.
I do find within my friends group people who have come from broken homes, even though nice people are more likely for relationships to end up in divorce. Than ones where families stay together.
Have two mates both in late 30âs who hate their dads, because they left them during their teenage years and were never there when they were home.
I think its important for any relationship for both parties to have some financial independence.
A woman and her three kids were murdered by this POS. and weâre talking about the real victim, the bloke, who might have lost money in a court settlement.
I felt driven to tears by that headline. The â â â â â â â â set fire to his children and ex when they were still alive. He killed them! I donât give a flying â â â â what anyone says about that man being under âduressâ or that was driven to despair because he loved his children and they weâre his life. No one who loves anyone can do that to who they love. Love doesnât make anyone do that. Being a selfish inhuman piece of â â â â â â â â â â â â â â â â â might, but I actually still donât expect a piece of â â â â person to do that.
I reckon he âlostâ control over her more than the money. Partners (men and women, but statistically mostly men) need to stop seeing each other as belonging to each the other. People canât be possessed by another.
Oh really! This guy had form and experience in stand over tactics and stalking in his previous relationship. He threaten the mother of his child in that one too. Only then, he probably ended the relationship, he decided to move onto someone else. She was lucky he lost interest in her or she would now probably would be now deceased also.
I have been in a relationship like this. My partner controlled with threats and then attempted to shoot me. Luckily for me there wasnât a bullet in the chamber of the gun and when it didnât fire, whacked in the face with the but. To live with this sort of hanging over your head every day is death by a thousand cuts.
I am very sad for this family and the people left behind who will live with the pain of this for the rest of their lives. The Police in my case were absolutely useless, things have changed since then and still could be a hell of a lot better. We all need to wake up to what is going on under our noses and stop this before it goes too far. Everyone needs to realise people are not possessions.
Let me start by saying domestic violence is never acceptable. In my 33 years of marriage the only violence ever exhibited was by my wife punching me when I tickle her, but that is okay because she hits like a girl (joke), and there was never an intent to hurt, only to get me to stop tickling.
That this bloke had a history of domestic violence means I am not prepared to defend him at all. He is the worst sort of bloke there is. That poor woman and her children deserved to enjoy their lives, not to end them in sheer agony. If there is a hell, I hope this prick suffers there for an eternity.
Unfortunately for some men that do this sort of awful thing, they are not thinking clearly. This sort of act is in the same realm as someone who is suicidal. Without having ever experienced suicidal thoughts, I canât comprehend how someone can believe that their only option going forward is to kill themselves, or as is the case in these murder suicides, themselves and their loved ones. This is the product of a mind that is not rational. Unfortunately, it is at this point in time, impossible to know who is going to snap and do this sort of thing. How do we protect them and their victims going forward?
Destigmatization of mental health, and expanding the availability of relevant services, so people are willing and able to seek required help is probably the biggest first step.
But then there also has to be better surveillance mechanisms too. I really doubt that somebody will just wake up one morning and decide apropos of nothing to do something like this. There would often be signs, so working out what they are and how to capture them, is probably next.
Just out of curiosityâŚ
how many men reading this forum, have someone in their lives (who isnât an intimate partner) they regularly talk to about their emotions?
I think we have to be careful about the language here, and the reaction to it.
This man committed an unspeakable, horrific act. He was the perpetrator and his family were the victims.
But if you start talking about stopping this from happening thenâŚI guess you have two ways to go.
Better protection for potential victims, or stopping men fromâŚdoing this.
And to do that you need to go beyond crazy people should stop being crazy.
You have to go into what makes them like this in the first place.
And doing that should not infer that the man is the victim, but he is the one whose behaviour needs to be understood and changed.
Mate, Iâll be honest, I have never had a deep and meaningful about my emotional state with anyone ever. Having said that, I am reasonably even keeled and the few times I have felt overwhelmed, it normally just needs a few minutes alone to get my head straight and continue on.