Red and Black Humour


#261

What’s the difference between an oral and an ■■■■ thermometer…

…the taste.

(Apologies if already posted. I have somehow overlooked this thread and gave some reading to do.)


#262

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting," thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word pertaining to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?"
Only one word leapt to mind. “My goodness," thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’."
“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”


#263

Organizers of the first “National ■■■■■■ Week” held this year were very disappointed with the results. It seems at least three-quarters of the women involved just pretended to celebrate it.


#264

With Manchester United finally managing a win today, it’s time to revive a golden oldie …
Bobby Charlton’s writing a new book about the current Manchester United team’s strengths and weaknesses. He calls his brother Jack and asks how he thinks the great Leeds United team of the 70s would fare against this current Manchester team.
Jack thinks for a while and says that both teams are full of internationals, both have a huge desire to win and are full of skilful players. So Jack thinks a 1 - 1 draw would be a fair result. Bobby is feeling rather pleased with his brothers honesty.
But then Jack adds “Mind you we haven’t trained for over 30 years and Billy Bremner’s dead.”


#265

Needs more xmas jokes. Everyone loves Christmas. Especially cross dressers. They get to eat, drink and be mary.


#266
With Manchester United finally managing a win today, it's time to revive a golden oldie ... Bobby Charlton's writing a new book about the current Manchester United team's strengths and weaknesses. He calls his brother Jack and asks how he thinks the great Leeds United team of the 70s would fare against this current Manchester team. Jack thinks for a while and says that both teams are full of internationals, both have a huge desire to win and are full of skilful players. So Jack thinks a 1 - 1 draw would be a fair result. Bobby is feeling rather pleased with his brothers honesty. But then Jack adds "Mind you we haven't trained for over 30 years and Billy Bremner's dead."

Man United didn’t play today.


#267

There is a fine line between a denominator and a numerator, but only a fraction of people will find this amusing.


#268

Don’t ever mess with writers, or else they’ll describe you.


#269

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little ■■■■■■ off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I ?”.


#270

I was explaining to someone what a useful & versatile word ■■■■ was tonight, and I came across this. I’d heard/seen some of it before, but much was new.

Although I took the (very long) time to censor it, I still thought it best behind a spoiler Tag.

Putting all the 's in was a total PITA, so I hope you laugh as fcking hard as I did at some of it.

Warning, much F bombing herein lies …

F*CK!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, noun…

It can be an action verb (John really gives a fck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fck), an adverb (Mary is fcking interested in John), o as a noun (Mary is a terrific fck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mar is fcking beautiful) or an interjection (Fck! I’m late for my date with Mary.)

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f*ck she’s also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “f*ck”.

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to many situations:

  1. Greetings “How the f*ck are ya?”
  2. Fraud “I got f*cked by the car dealer.”
  3. Resignation “Oh, f*ck it!”
  4. Trouble “I guess I’m f*cked now.”
  5. Aggression “F*CK YOU!”
  6. Disgust “F*ck me.”
  7. Confusion “What the f*ck…?”
  8. Difficulty “I don’t understand this f*cking business!”
  9. Despair “F*cked again…”
  10. Pleasure “I f*cking couldn’t be happier.”
  11. Displeasure “What the f*ck is going on here?”
  12. Lost “Where the f*ck are we.”
  13. Disbelief “UNF*CKINGBELIEVABLE!”
  14. Retaliation “Up your f*cking ■■■!”
  15. Denial “I didn’t f*cking do it.”
  16. Perplexity “I know f*ck all about it.”
  17. Apathy “Who really gives a f*ck, anyhow?”
  18. Greetings “How the f*ck are ya?”
  19. Suspicion “Who the f*ck are you?”
  20. Panic “Let’s get the f*ck out of here.”
  21. Directions “F*ck off.”
  22. Disbelief “How the f*ck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description- “He’s a f*cking ■■■■■■■.”

It can be used to tell time- “It’s five f*cking thirty.”

It can be used in business- “How did I wind up with this f*cking job?”

It can be maternal- “Motherf*cker.”

It can be political- “F*ck Donald Trump!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

“What the f*ck was that?” - Mayor of Hiroshima

“Where did all these f*cking Indians come from?” - General Custer

“Where the f*ck is all this water coming from?” - Captain of the Titanic

“That’s not a real f*cking gun.” - John Lennon

“Who’s gonna f*cking find out?” - Richard Nixon

“Heads are going to f*cking roll.” - Anne Boleyn

“Let the f*cking woman drive.” - Commander of Space Shuttle “Challenger”

“What f*cking map?” - Mark Thatcher

“Any f*cking idiot could understand that.” - Albert Einstein

“How the f*ck did you work that out?” - Pythagoras

“You want what on the f^cking ceiling?” - Michaelangelo

“F*ck a duck.” - Walt Disney

“Why?- Because its f*cking there!” Edmund Hilary

“I don’t suppose its gonna f*cking rain?” - Joan of Arc

“Scattered f*cking showers my ■■■.” - Noah

“I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in my head.” - John F. Kennedy


#271
I was explaining to someone what a useful & versatile word ■■■■ was tonight, and I came across this. I'd heard/seen some of it before, but much was new.

Although I took the (very long) time to censor it, I still thought it best behind a spoiler Tag.

Putting all the 's in was a total PITA, so I hope you laugh as fcking hard as I did at some of it.

Warning, much F bombing herein lies …

F*CK!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, noun…

It can be an action verb (John really gives a fck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fck), an adverb (Mary is fcking interested in John), o as a noun (Mary is a terrific fck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mar is fcking beautiful) or an interjection (Fck! I’m late for my date with Mary.)

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f*ck she’s also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “f*ck”.

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to many situations:

  1. Greetings “How the f*ck are ya?”
  2. Fraud “I got f*cked by the car dealer.”
  3. Resignation “Oh, f*ck it!”
  4. Trouble “I guess I’m f*cked now.”
  5. Aggression “F*CK YOU!”
  6. Disgust “F*ck me.”
  7. Confusion “What the f*ck…?”
  8. Difficulty “I don’t understand this f*cking business!”
  9. Despair “F*cked again…”
  10. Pleasure “I f*cking couldn’t be happier.”
  11. Displeasure “What the f*ck is going on here?”
  12. Lost “Where the f*ck are we.”
  13. Disbelief “UNF*CKINGBELIEVABLE!”
  14. Retaliation “Up your f*cking ■■■!”
  15. Denial “I didn’t f*cking do it.”
  16. Perplexity “I know f*ck all about it.”
  17. Apathy “Who really gives a f*ck, anyhow?”
  18. Greetings “How the f*ck are ya?”
  19. Suspicion “Who the f*ck are you?”
  20. Panic “Let’s get the f*ck out of here.”
  21. Directions “F*ck off.”
  22. Disbelief “How the f*ck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description- “He’s a f*cking ■■■■■■■.”

It can be used to tell time- “It’s five f*cking thirty.”

It can be used in business- “How did I wind up with this f*cking job?”

It can be maternal- “Motherf*cker.”

It can be political- “F*ck Donald Trump!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

“What the f*ck was that?” - Mayor of nHiroshima

“Where did all these f*cking Indians come from?” - General Custer

“Where the f*ck is all this water coming from?” - Captain of the Titanic

“That’s not a real f*cking gun.” - John Lennon

“Who’s gonna f*cking find out?” - Richard Nixon

“Heads are going to f*cking roll.” - Anne Boleyn

“Let the f*cking woman drive.” - Commander of Space Shuttle “Challenger”

“What f*cking map?” - Mark Thatcher

“Any f*cking idiot could understand that.” - Albert Einstein

“How the f*ck did you work that out?” - Pythagoras

“You want what on the f^cking ceiling?” - Michaelangelo

“F*ck a duck.” - Walt Disney

“Why?- Because its f*cking there!” Edmund Hilary

“I don’t suppose its gonna f*cking rain?” - Joan of Arc

“Scattered f*cking showers my ■■■.” - Noah

“I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in my head.” - John F. Kennedy

It’s pretty funny, but whoever wrote it knows ■■■■ all about grammar.


#272
With Manchester United finally managing a win today, it's time to revive a golden oldie ... Bobby Charlton's writing a new book about the current Manchester United team's strengths and weaknesses. He calls his brother Jack and asks how he thinks the great Leeds United team of the 70s would fare against this current Manchester team. Jack thinks for a while and says that both teams are full of internationals, both have a huge desire to win and are full of skilful players. So Jack thinks a 1 - 1 draw would be a fair result. Bobby is feeling rather pleased with his brothers honesty. But then Jack adds "Mind you we haven't trained for over 30 years and Billy Bremner's dead."
Reminds me of this (true) story

Robson was in Waterstones or wherever, and a guy come up to him with his book and asked him to sign it. They had a bit of banter, and the bloke said something along the lines of “You must be getting bored signing all these books” and Robson replied “Yeah, i’ve been here all day, i’ve signed hundreds and hundreds”

The bloke walks away and checks his book and it says “Dear (whoever), Enjoy the book. All the best, Bobby Hundreds”


#273
I was explaining to someone what a useful & versatile word ■■■■ was tonight, and I came across this. I'd heard/seen some of it before, but much was new.

Although I took the (very long) time to censor it, I still thought it best behind a spoiler Tag.

Putting all the 's in was a total PITA, so I hope you laugh as fcking hard as I did at some of it.

Warning, much F bombing herein lies …

F*CK!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, noun…

It can be an action verb (John really gives a fck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fck), an adverb (Mary is fcking interested in John), o as a noun (Mary is a terrific fck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mar is fcking beautiful) or an interjection (Fck! I’m late for my date with Mary.)

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f*ck she’s also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “f*ck”.

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to many situations:

  1. Greetings “How the f*ck are ya?”
  2. Fraud “I got f*cked by the car dealer.”
  3. Resignation “Oh, f*ck it!”
  4. Trouble “I guess I’m f*cked now.”
  5. Aggression “F*CK YOU!”
  6. Disgust “F*ck me.”
  7. Confusion “What the f*ck…?”
  8. Difficulty “I don’t understand this f*cking business!”
  9. Despair “F*cked again…”
  10. Pleasure “I f*cking couldn’t be happier.”
  11. Displeasure “What the f*ck is going on here?”
  12. Lost “Where the f*ck are we.”
  13. Disbelief “UNF*CKINGBELIEVABLE!”
  14. Retaliation “Up your f*cking ■■■!”
  15. Denial “I didn’t f*cking do it.”
  16. Perplexity “I know f*ck all about it.”
  17. Apathy “Who really gives a f*ck, anyhow?”
  18. Greetings “How the f*ck are ya?”
  19. Suspicion “Who the f*ck are you?”
  20. Panic “Let’s get the f*ck out of here.”
  21. Directions “F*ck off.”
  22. Disbelief “How the f*ck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description- “He’s a f*cking ■■■■■■■.”

It can be used to tell time- “It’s five f*cking thirty.”

It can be used in business- “How did I wind up with this f*cking job?”

It can be maternal- “Motherf*cker.”

It can be political- “F*ck Donald Trump!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

“What the f*ck was that?” - Mayor of nHiroshima

“Where did all these f*cking Indians come from?” - General Custer

“Where the f*ck is all this water coming from?” - Captain of the Titanic

“That’s not a real f*cking gun.” - John Lennon

“Who’s gonna f*cking find out?” - Richard Nixon

“Heads are going to f*cking roll.” - Anne Boleyn

“Let the f*cking woman drive.” - Commander of Space Shuttle “Challenger”

“What f*cking map?” - Mark Thatcher

“Any f*cking idiot could understand that.” - Albert Einstein

“How the f*ck did you work that out?” - Pythagoras

“You want what on the f^cking ceiling?” - Michaelangelo

“F*ck a duck.” - Walt Disney

“Why?- Because its f*cking there!” Edmund Hilary

“I don’t suppose its gonna f*cking rain?” - Joan of Arc

“Scattered f*cking showers my ■■■.” - Noah

“I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in my head.” - John F. Kennedy

It’s pretty funny, but whoever wrote it knows ■■■■ all about grammar.

Unf^^king bleievable, almost.


#274

Please read!!!

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
“Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked . . . “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don’t you give ol’ George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


#275

Donald Trump was sitting with a black guy and a Mexican. They found a genie’s lamp, rubbed it, and “POOF” the genie appeared!
The genie looked at the black guy and asked, “What’s your one wish?”
The black guy replied, "I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy, safe and prosperous.
POOF! His wish was granted.
The genie turned to the Mexican and asked, “What’s your one wish?”
The Mexican replied, “I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy, safe and prosperous.”
POOF! His wish was granted.
Next, the genie turned to Donald and asked, “What’s your one wish?”
Donald asked, “You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are out of America?”
The genie replied, “Yes.”
Donald thought for a moment then said, “I’ll have a Coke.”


#276

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting pirate!
Interrup… ARRRRRRRRRR!


#277

Apparently Leonard Cohen only had three guitar lessons. His tutor committed suicide before the fourth.


#278

Today the Brisbane Lions players visited an orphanage in Brisbane.

“It’s so heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope” said Jimmy age 6


#279

This guy is hilarious
Hes a bit rude too


#280

Especially for English language lovers. Can you tell the difference between ‘completed’ and ‘finished’? Dictionaries have tried to define the difference between them for centuries, with limited success. However, in a linguistic conference held in London, Sun Sherman, a native American gave the following distinction.
“When you marry the right woman, you are completed. If you marry the wrong woman, you are finished. And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.”
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.