Red and Black Humour


#281

The oldest computer can apparently be traced back to the time of Adam and Eve. It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory. Just 1 bite. Then everything crashed.


#282

Repeats now CJ?


#283

Can’t remember. Like the Apple, my memory is playing up,


#284

I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“

A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”

What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what’s in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what’s in the bed & goes to the fridge.


#285

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod…
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Q: What does a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: You can put three fingers in both of them, throw them in the gutter, and they’ll still come back for more.
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? A: Because she kept throwing away all of the W’s
A blonde went to the bathroom. She had to go #2. She got out of the bathroom and she went to her mom and said look mom I found a friend!
Q: What does a blonde and a tornado have in common? A: At first there’s a lot of sucking and blowing and then you lose your house!
Q: What do u call a blond with 2 ponytail ? A: A ■■■■■■■ with handelbars!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde woman is having a bad day? A: If she is wearing a tampon in her ear and she cant find her pencil.
Q: If a blonde and a burnette were to jump off a bridge at the same time witch one would hit the water first? A: The burnette cause the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.


#286

And now the results for the musketeers football league…. 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-4.
In summary, all 4-1 and one 4-all.


#287

How can there be “all” 4-1 if there is one 4 all.


#288

And now the result from the Star Wars game today: R2D 2 d C3P 0


#289

The four stages of manhood:

  1. You believe in Santa.
  2. You don’t believe in Santa.
  3. You are Santa.
  4. You look like Santa.

Alternatively:

  1. You forget names.
  2. You forget faces.
  3. You forget to zip up your trousers.
  4. Worst of all, you forget to unzip your trousers.

#290

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I weren’t so pedantic.
I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.


#291

A man went to the doctor because he was having hearing problems.

“Can you describe the symptoms?” The doctor asked.

“Well, Homer is fat and bald, Marge has tall blue hair…”


#292

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class w*nk him off.
I said “son, that’s 3 schools this year…
Maybe teaching isn’t for you.”


#293

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It has to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ■■■ is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming … that was me.”


#294

Ahmed and Mahmud are bored sipping tea at their tents. Ahmed says to Mahmud, “See that camel over there? I’ll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.”
Mahmud says, “No way.”
So, Ahmed walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks. He reaches in between the camel’s legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later Ahmed says to Mahmud: “I bet you I can make that camel nod his head.”
Mahmud shakes his head, “You got me last time. But there’s no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head.”
Ahmed takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, “Remember me?”
The camel nods …


#295

A drunken farmer comes home late one night holding a sheep under his arm.

He walks into the bedroom and says “This is the pig I’ve been ■■■■■■■!”

His wife says “You idiot! That’s a sheep!”

“Shut the ■■■■ up!” he screams, “I was talking to the sheep!”


#296

A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything.”


#297

So… I RSVP’d to a friend’s wedding invitation with a note that said, “I promise to be at your next one.” Now she’s mad at me. Go figure.


#298

When I was in my twenties, at a family wedding all the aunts would come up and prod me saying “you’re next”. So at funerals, I’d go up to them, prod them and say “you’re next, you’re next”.


#299

we’re you/they right?


#300

Je suis Noonan?