Red and Black Humour


#301

A priest books into a motel and says to the desk clerk “I trust that the p0rnography to my room is disabled?”

The desk jockey looks appalled and replies “No you sick fark, it’s just normal p0rn0”.


#302

Jesus walked into a Motel, … handed the desk clerk 3 nails and asked him if he could “put him up for the night ?”…


#303

great movie that came from.


#304

I’d forgotten it was in that actually. but I first heard that joke over 30 years ago, and I’d wager it had been around a fair while before that, so the writers borrowed it, rather than introduced it.


#305

Wife asks what do you want for breakfast. He says let’s have sex instead.
Hubby comes home at lunchtime . What do you want for lunch? He says let’s have sex.
Hubby comes home that evening finds wife bending over in front of the oven. He asks what are you doing? She says Warming your dinner!


#306

Buddhist pays with a 20. Gets nothing back.
“Where’s my change?”
“Change must come from within.”


#307

Here is an oldie but still a goodie.

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” Kirk asked.
“No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said. “I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” Kirk asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” Kirk asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said Kirk, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
Kirk replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up beer, gambling, golf and sex.”


#308

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
Little TONY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own ■■■■■■■ business.


#309

As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed her Daughter giving herself a real workout with a
vibrator.Shocked, she asked, “What in The world are you doing?”

The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years
old,unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to
a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I’m
thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

A couple of days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
from,of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed
her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at
the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?” The husband replied,
I’m watching the Footy with my son-in-law."


#310

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of

Turpentine… He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called

Turpentine.’

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy

Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy

baby.’

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat’s ■■■■, he’ll

pass a Harley Davidson. ’


#311

Liberace the Musician

Brilliant on the piano. But sucked on the ORGAN.


#312

I enjoyed how the key word is capitalised to highlight the innuendo


#313

l have just been fired from my job at Pepsi.
l tested positive for Coke.


#314

Try the veal …


#315

I don’t understand why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. Just saying.


#316

Q: How can you milk sheep?
A: Bring out a new iphone and charge $1000 for it,


#317

When you’re down by the sea,
and an eel bites your knee,
that’s a Moray.


#318

Upon arriving at home a man tells the wife we are going camping on the weekend. She say’s i don’t want to i hate not having facilities like home. He say’s OK here are your choices, camping. blow job. or one up the ■■■■. I’ll be back on friday to see what you want to do. He returns and says well what’s your choice, she say’s i have not decided so he say’s i will go and get the gear ready and organise the dogs. Back inside he comes and say’s well what have you decided, she say’s the blow job so he drops the strides and she gets on with it, suddenly she say’s this tastes like ■■■■ and he say’s yeah one of the dogs didn’t want to go either.


#319

Well, that left a nasty taste in her mouth, no doubt.


#320

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - “But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Kim Jong-Un quietly answered, “We will land at night”.
The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.
Back in Canberra, Pauline Hanson (PH) and her fellow One Party members were watching the news conference. When SHE heard what Kim said, she sneered - “What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”
SHE and her fellow members then broke into thunderous applause.