Red and Black Humour


#321

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” | The man says, “Yes, it is.” | Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” | Man ~ “That’s nice.” | Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” | Man ~ “No, thanks.” | Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” | Man ~ “OK, how much?” | Boy ~ “$250? | In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. | Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” | Man ~ “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” | The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” | Boy ~ “$750? | Man ~ “Fine.” | A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” | The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” | The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” | Boy ~ “$1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”


#322

Unless you’re Sherlock Holmes of course, in which case in would be a yellow manta ray my dear Watson.


#323

Or it’s cooked Northern California style - à la Monterey
Or related to a burglar alarm - alarm entry
Or a Conservative politician paying his ex-wife - alimony Tory


#324

Or a group of very devout blues fans.


#325

Did you know that Holmes and Watson were lovers and favoured citrus juice as a lubricant? It was a lemon entry.


#326

Ouch.

Wouldn’t be surprised about Holmes but Watson was a man’s man…butch as they come.


#327

I walked up to a fat bird in a night club last night and said, “You must be the best looking girl in this place!”
“What makes you say that?” she asked with a gleaming smile.
“12 bottles of Corona, 7 Sambucca shots and 3 lines of coke,” I replied.


#328

There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:

  1. He called everyone brother
  2. He liked Gospel
  3. He didn’t get a fair trial

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

  1. He went into His Father’s business
  2. He lived at home until he was 33
  3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

  1. He talked with His hands
  2. He had wine with His meals
  3. He used olive oil

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

  1. He never cut His hair
  2. He walked around barefoot all the time
  3. He started a new religion

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

  1. He was at peace with nature
  2. He ate a lot of fish
  3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

  1. He never got married…
  2. He was always telling stories.
  3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:

  1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food.
  2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
  3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

#329

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honour of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The man from New Zealand reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The Australian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

The Aussie replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And So The Christmas Season
Begins…


#330

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”


#331

So I found this pretty funny, the only thing from newscorp that ever made me smile.

Their version of a 404 page …

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/story/0,25197,24852747-15803,00.html?nk=f990b8455c5f9a077135a2e9bb02c8fa-1513774680

Read ALL the “comments”, … it’s worth it.


#332

This is an oldie, but… well you have been warned.

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”

And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”

Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”


#333

The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200.

They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Wisconsin.”


#334

Two blokes who really didn’t like each other used to drink at a local pub.
then one night one bloke said to the other Fark your getting fat the other looked at him and it’s your wifes fault every time i root her she gives me a biscuit.


#335

A husband and wife surveyor team are working on a new plot of land for a building development. They are standing some ninety or a hundred yards apart when the husband discovers he is missing a tool he needs for something he is working on.

So he whistles to his wife.

When she looks at him, he gestures. He points to his eye, then to his knee, and then pantomimes the motion of turning a wrench.

“I need a wrench,” he says as he gestures, knowing she is too far away to hear him.

She watches his gestures and nods.

Then she gestures back. She points to her eye, then touches her heart, and then touches her crotch.

He doesn’t get her reply so he repeats his gesture sequence. “I need a wrench,” he repeats. She nods even more vigorously and repeats her sequence but he still doesn’t get it. Later that evening at dinner, the husband says, “You know this afternoon, when I gestured to you?”

She says, “Yes, I remember.”

He says, “I was trying to tell you that (gesturing) ‘I need a wrench.’”

“Oh yeah, I got that.

I tried to tell you that (gesturing) ‘I left it in the box.’”


#336

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall were a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall, a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest came in. I said to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
He replied: " You idiot, you’re on my side."


#337

The Samaritans have set up a helpline for Liverpool fans to call if they need support following Saturdays defeat, it is 0800 101010.
Please feel free to call this number so once again it is 0800 Won Nothing, Won nothing, Won Nothing.

A guy pulls alongside a small boy on the pavement and says, 'I’ll give you some sweets if you get in the car.’
‘No, leave me alone.’ the boy replies.
‘Come on, I’ll take you for ice cream later as well,’ he insists.
The boy suddenly stops and turns to the man and says, 'Get lost Dad, I’m not going to watch Carlton again no matter what you offer.’


#338

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting up the little boys by their armpits.

As she lifted one she couldn’t help but notice that he was rather well endowed, especially for a little kid.

“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.

“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. But thanks for the lift anyhow.”


#339

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The coroner tells the Inspector, "First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asks, “What about the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is most unusual one. Danny O´Neil, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” enquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken,” replies the coroner.


#340

Didn’t know where to post this, then thought it’s apt for this thread. :slight_smile:

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/afl/more-news/matthew-lloyds-hilarious-gift-to-old-foe-brad-sewell-for-his-bucks-party/news-story/0209ed2d68ce601a382c6c89293fa054

Matthew Lloyd’s hilarious gift to old foe Brad Sewell for his bucks party

HAWTHORN premiership midfielder Brad Sewell was having a bucks party.

Essendon great and old foe Matthew Lloyd had the perfect present. A signed jumper.

Only this one came with a hilarious personalised message, a tongue-in-cheek reference to the day Lloyd bulldozed Sewell in 2009, knocking him out instantly.

“Sewelly, hope you stay conscious on the bucks, longer than you did on the G when I thought I had killed you. Have a good one.,” Lloyd wrote.

Sewell’s Hawks teammate Campbell Brown - who called Lloyd a sniper after the incident - tweeted out a photo.

Obviously, the trio have since buried the hatchet.

“Sewelly, hope you stay conscious on the bucks, longer than you did on the G when I thought I had killed you. Have a good one.,” Lloyd wrote.

Sewell’s Hawks teammate Campbell Brown - who called Lloyd a sniper after the incident - tweeted out a photo.

Obviously, the trio have since buried the hatchet.