Red and Black Humour


#381

Shouldn’t one be the sub conscious


#382

No…and shut up!!!:stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:


#383

Mate I’m sitting here eating a length of cabanossi so I probably should.


#384

Sometimes a length of cabanossi is just a length of cabanossi


#385

Sign at nudist colony…
“We clothes for the Winter”


#386

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”


#387

Thought for the day
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.


#388

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright


#389

I just had a medical check up.
The doctor said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “Like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”


#390

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ "?


#391

Bread is like the sun.
It rises in the yeast,
and sets in the waist.


#392

I thought they were authorpaedic shoes, but I stand corrected


#393

They said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.

But they were wrong. I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they’re really nice.


#394

Are you a member of the DNA?

(National Dyslexic Assosciation)


#395

Dyslexia Rules KO


#396

How about the dyslexic devil worshipper? Sold his soul to Santa.


#397

Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog?


#398

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?
He went around killing gingers


#399

The local ice cream man was found dead today.

He had a flake up his bum, strawberry sauce on his ■■■■■ and chocolate sprinkles on his testicles.

Police think he topped himself


#400

Not sure whether this goes in this thread or the Dylan Shiel thread.

A professor of English had been sent to jail for some unnamed crime (misusing apostrophes would be enough).

The warden’s wife took a bit of a shine to him, and suggested that if he made her happy in bed, she’d organise with the warden that he be released early.

He refused, saying that it was improper to end a sentence with a proposition.