My dyslexia has now reached a new owl.
Went to a seance last night where we communicated with a dead BBQ chef…well done to medium!
And there are stats out about how drunks walk. It’s staggering.
I was going to the meeting of the Clairvoyant Society but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
I was going to join the Procrastination Society, but I’ve put it off till next week.
I was going to Prevaricators Anonymous which didn’t happen because I was given the wrong details.
Thought for the day
If God made everything then does that mean he’s Chinese?
Last night my wife told me I have the body of a god.
Some old, some new, all good, and obviously adapted from a US original.
You know you’re a Collingwood supporter when:
- A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
- You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
- You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- Jack Daniel’s makes your list of ‘most admired people.’
- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- Someone in your family once died right after saying: ‘Hey, watch this.’
- You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
- A ceiling fan once ruined your wife’s hairdo.
- You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: ‘Carn the Maggies .’
- You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
- The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
- You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
- One of your kids was born on a pool table.
- You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
- You think ‘loaded dishwasher’ means your wife is drunk.
- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
- Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
How to do a DNA ancestry test:
Spit in vial
Send to lab
Bob’s your uncle
The word ‘gouge’ used to be spelt ‘gouige’, until they took an i out.
I had 2 Caaarlton tickets in my car, clearly visible from outside. Someone smashed my window and put 4 more in.
Three surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon said, “Electricians are the best, everything inside is colour coded.
The second surgeon said, “No, l think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The third surgeon shut them up, when she said, “You’re both wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. Plus the head and butt are interchangeable.”
Two rabbis were arguing after a ceremony. “Look, i performed the circumcision, i should keep the tip”
One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this…” it will usually smell nice.