The patron saint of email is Francis of a CC.
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The patron saint of ups and downs is Francis of a seesaw.
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A truck carrying Vicks Vaporub crashed on the Eastern Freeway this morning.
Surprisingly, the freeway was free of congestion for 8 hours.
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Bumped into an old mate last night.
He said he’d just found a beautiful woman tied to the railway tracks.
He untied her and then he had the best sex ever.
I asked him if she gave him blow job as well.
He said no, he couldn’t find her head.
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious…
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
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Thanks for the memory reminds me of my dear departed Mum. Smart, switched on and with it.
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I like an intelligent joke. Thank you, Captain_Jack.
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I don’t get it.
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I take it your not Eileen
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With the introduction of self driving vehicles, it is only a matter of time until there’s a country & wester song about a guy where his truck leaves him.
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Oi paddy, turn the aircon off. Its ■■■■■■■ freezing back here.
I’ll get me coat…
I returned to my car today to find that somebody had left me a complimentary note about my driving skills. It read “Parking Fine”.
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- Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
- I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
- My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
- A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”
- The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
- Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
- When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
- My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “No it doesn’t”
- What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
- My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
- I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
- Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
- I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
- Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
- A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
- I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
- Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
- Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
- Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
- When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
- As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
- How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.
- And the lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”. John came fifth and won a toaster.
- What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.
- I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it!
- What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
- Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
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Im the most humble person i know
You cant run through a camp ground. You can only ran because its past tents.
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Junior Mex came up and asked “Can I please have a book mark?”
I burst into tears… 10 years old and still doesn’t know my name is “Mex”
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These are very clever and funny. Where did you find them ?
Probably carved in stone
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Cave paintings he did once.