I made them up. Thanks for the compliment.
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A man dies and his funeral is held. At the funeral the priest delivers the eulogy, recalling all the wonderful things the deceased had done in his life. His widow sobbed quietly in the front row.
At the conclusion of the eulogy the priest says, “Many of you here today were his friends, and you have your own memories of him. If any of you would now like to say a word, please do now come forward and speak.”
A man in the congregation immediately stood and walked to the pulpit. He had been the best friend of the deceased and had known him since childhood. He looked at the congregation, at the widow and children weeping in the front row, leaned forward and said into the microphone, “Plethora.”
Then he stepped down from the pulpit and began to walk back to his place.
As he reached the front row of the congregation the widow put out her hand and stopped him. With her hand on his arm she looked up at him. “Thank you,” she said. “What you said means a lot to me.”
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I want a girl thats: good looking, rich and intelligent. But what i dont want is for them all to meet at the same time
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A man, pig and a dog get washed up on a desert island. Every night they leave their camp and sit on the beach and watch the sun set. After a few months of this they’re sitting there and the man looks at the pig , thinks oh well, and puts his arm around it. The dog starts growling. Man pulls his arm away. Next night he has another go. Same result, the dog starts growling and bearing his teeth. Goes on like this for a couple of weeks. One morning a beautiful blonde woman washes ashore. The three of them help her to the camp and bring her back to health. The man tells her about their nightly ritual and off they go. Sitting there watching the sunset and feeling very toey the man puts his arm around the blonde and asks for a favour. Sure, anything she says. He loks into her eyes and asks Can you take that effing dog for a walk please.
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Oldie but a goodie
This is a two part joke. My kids loved it.
Part 1
“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To visit an idiot”
Part 2
“Knock Knock”
“Whose there?”
“The Chicken”
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Last night while l was lying in bed with my wife, she asked what would l like to do with her body.
“Identify it,” apparently was the right answer.
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Apparently, that part of you is still working well but not the mental/emotional part.
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A ten year old girl asks her mum ‘mummy how was I born’
The mum replies ‘Once upon a time daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed.
Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every day.
After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high we had sex without a condom’.
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So, we are in the early stages of a pandemic. Conservative estimates are in the end, 70 million people will be dead.
It is easy to freak when you hear stuff like and buy random things like 1,000 toilet rolls or a 500-liter drum of Domestos and start bathing in it. So I have written out my survival strategy for the worst pandemic in the last 100 years
Rule 1. Don’t panic
Rule 2 See Rule 1
Rule 3. Wash your hands far too much.
Rule 4. If you have to choose between panadol and alcohol, always choose alcohol.
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Important community information;
Because of the spread of the Coronavirus, Supermarkets are now placing long term limits on the amount of essentials one person can purchase…
•Coles: 2 packs of pasta, 1 pack of toilet paper (max 24 rolls), 2 units of hands sanitizer
•Woolworths: 2 packs of pasta, 2 packs of toilet paper (max 24 rolls), 1 unit of hand sanitizer
•Aldi: 2 trumpets, 1 diving suit, 1 Mig welder, 2 plastic meerkats.
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Ordering Pizza In 2020
CALLER:
Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed the wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza
with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives
on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database,
you purchasedonly abox of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source,
which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.
I’m going to an island without an Internet, or cable TV,
where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but Alexa says you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
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Disclaimer: I’ve checked with my politically correct wife and she says that since I have Asian heritage she’ll let me off with a stern warning for posting the below.
By the time you finish reading the following conversation, you will understand the meaning of Ten Jew Berry Mud. Conversation between room-service and a guest at a hotel in Asia
Hotel: Morny, ruin sorbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.
Hotel: Rye! Ruin sorbees … morny! Jewish to odor sunteen??
Guest: Uh … yes … I’d like some bacon and eggs.
Hotel: Ow July den?
Guest: What??
Hotel: Ow July den … pry, boy, pooch?
Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
Hotel: Ow July dee baychem … crease?
Guest: Crisp will be fine.
Hotel: Hokay. An San tos?
Guest: What?
Hotel: San tos. July San tos?
Guest: I don’t think so.
Hotel: No? Judo one toes?
Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo onetoes’ means.
Hotel: Toes! Toes! … Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlishmopping we bother?
Guest: English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine.Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
Hotel: We bother?
Guest: No, just put the bother on the side.
Hotel: Wad?
Guest: I mean butter … just put it on the side.
Hotel: Copy?
Guest: Sorry?
Hotel: Copy … tea … mill?
Guest: Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.
Hotel: One Minnie. Assstrangle ache, creasebaychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy… rye?
Guest: Whatever you say.
Hotel: Ten jew berry mud.
Guest: You’re welcome.
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Where are pies weighed
Everybody should know this one. “Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.”
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…
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Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. “You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble crapping?”
“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
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