Season 2019 - Fark Carlton


One of my favourite things about that 2016 game against FC was that a bunch of their supporters brought wooden spoons to the game (they have quite a collection, no doubt) to wave in our faces after the game but didn’t get a chance to get them out because their team got spanked by a team of kids and semi-retired fill ins.


What about Smack with the 2nd effort, blind turning snap shot from deep in the pocket. Easy as you like!!


Damn you guys, forcing me to re-watch.


Apparently Fark Carlton have had a really good year. Not sure if that’s a relative statement or not.

Dempsey’s beard is epic.

Smack free and fifty early. I think he hurt the Fark Carltoner’s feelings.

Damn. Bird made a clearance!

Fark Carlton aren’t wearing multiple shades of purple or bum patches.

Buckley, you spud. Precise kick across the face to our advantage. And that was BEFORE his famous point celebration a few minutes later.

The Langford gets our first goal, thanks to a precise kick from Long off half-back.

We’re leading kick efficiency 71% to 52%…

Kommer hits the post from the boundary after Daisy “best player in the league” Thomas knocks it out deliberately. Yes, the commonpotatoers labelled him as such before the fame started.

This is the kicking THE is capable of. Casually slots his second from 45 out to tie the game up halfway through the first quarter. He’s a full-time forward, of course.

Five centres bounces, two recalled so far.

McKenna goes the one-two through the middle, gets caught for the second time today, but it spills free and LOONY leads to mark. Awful kick, but we’re in front.

Casboult hears footsteps, craps his pants, and drops the uncontested mark at half-back.

Jayden Laverde from KEILOR takes the shot from fifty but nope.

Smack at full-back on a (so far) un-injured Kruezer. The commentators are incensed that the umpire failed to pay a free against him.

There are some less-than-optimal skills on display in this game, notably by Fark Carlton. Our kicking forward is generally very good.

Dea takes a nice intercept marks and belts the man-banned Squibbs with his knee in doing so.

KEILOR puts us in front with the textbook lead, mark and goal.

RED TIME goal for them after Joe and Daniher drop their brains. No wait. Fark Carlton missed. Idiots.

Ess 3.4.22 lead FC 2.6.18 at quarter time.


Just watch the 3rd quarter.



BAAALL I scream for Keilor. Nope, but it spills to the other guy they though Boekhurst was better than and that’s his third goal!

Dempsey gets his first two touches for the game, and misses the goal fed to him by an agile Joe D.

KEILOR hits the post. It’s the fifth poster in the game already.

Jerrett makes a cameo appearance for his first touch.

McKernan goes CLUNK on the wing.

Hartley with the intercept mark at 55 and his kick is disappointingly very short, and touched on the line.

Conor looks pretty slim.

Our defenders are cutting everything off.

Zaka to Joe D deep in the left pocket. Surely not?

No banana, and he kicks straight across the face. Then he gets it again and a snap kick from the pocket is a point.

Bolton is swearing like a sailor behind his hand.

Kelly gets it in the middle and hits Joe D on the ■■■■ 30 out. Apparently Fark Carlton have not learned that we lead and kick there EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Joe D is third time lucky. We lead 5.9.39 to 2.6.18

Goddard decked after he gets the kick off. Nope.

Ambrose the unlikely player streaming through the middle. A shonky kick goes to Daniher, and JOE2TIPPA. Goal.

We’ve kicked the last six goals and lead by 26. I assume Fark Carlton must come back hard now, if you’re all raving about the third quarter instead.


Goddard to Daniher on the sideways lead 45m out. I know it’s Fark Carlton, but he is demolishing them this quarter. Kicks another goal.

On the Live Ladder™ we’re now not last. We may not be able to select Jaeger, oh no.

Umps feel sorry and give Fark Carlton a fifty. It sets up a goal for them, to break our stream of seven goals in a row.

BOOOOOOOOOOOzer say the crowd as he marks. He kicks truly and the margin is cut back to 20 points.

Fark Carlton take 15 disposals to move the ball fifty metres away from our goal (yes, I replayed it and counted). They compose themselves and kick long to… a McFly intercept. Well, that was worth it. Well, actually it was, as shortly afterwards Goddard has a brain freeze and is run down in range. Margin down to 14 points, you can bet the match thread was losing its ■■■■ right now.

Parish has done nothing. That proves everything.

Brown heading off with a bloodied mouth from a stray Irish elbow.

Dea buries Silvagni. He’s been good.

Irish now comes off bleeding after a Fark Carltoner smashes his jaw onto Conor’s forehead.

Merrett with the amazing-vision kick to the centre circle and Kelly. Onto Joe, and BANG around the body from fifty. He’s kicked 3.2 (and one across the face on the full) this quarter.

Gleeson all of the intercept in RED TIME.

Hey, a mark to Parish on the back-flank!

8.9.57 we lead 5.8.38 at half time.


LOL at McKenna now having a bald patch on his head (so they could do the stitches).

McGuire claims that the current Merretts are great-nephews of Roger. I’m pretty sure that’s a fib.

We give away a goal to set up the rest of this third quarter. Or so I’m told.

(Well, we tried. They hit the post from twenty out on a slight angle.)

Oh look. It’s another Joe mark. Left foot curl from the boundary… EASY.

WSPHU in 2019. It may help.

Parish in the middle, gets the clearance. I retract everything.

Love how we move it around by hand until we get a good kick out of the backline.

Joe leads down the guts and marks at 55. Sadly he just does a little tap over the top to Langford, who misses.

TIPPA done nothing.

Ohhh-ha-haaaw, I exclaim, as Langford effortlessly glides in from the side to take an mark and kill their rebound attempt.

Fark Carlton are letting us lead straight up the ground to the ball and get hit on the ■■■■ all day long. This time it’s KEILOR, but he falls short and TIPPA does the fake and kicks the goal around the corner. Hee hee, stick that up ya, Reboot.

And he’s got it again. Remember, kids, NEVER defend the spot thirty out from goal directly in front. Fark Carlton are farking rubbish.


We lead 76-40


“The Bomber fans are enjoying this; they’ll have the whole summer to stick it up Fark Carlton supporters.”

The Fark Carlton witches’ hats show some variety by not going anywhere near Bird 30 out but on a forty-five degree angle. He misses.

Gleeson just turned sideways and vanished.

He takes yet another intercept mark shortly afterwards though. Him and Francis and Hurley, intercept mark all day.

Daniher with a mere chip from inside the centre square UY&^B&^%^!!!

Good tackle by Kommer to set it up.

We lead 83-40.

Kelly is very very good.

Daniher out-marks two players ten out, ump says no. The crowd lose their composure and so do Fark Carlton: TIPPA buries an indecisive piece of crap, takes the free and goals.

That’s six goals in a row for the Joe & TIPPA Show.

That puts us just 0.1% off 17th spot on the ladder, so we let Casboult have a mark close to goal. The spud only kicks a point though.

So we give him another mark four metres out. And thankfully he doesn’t miss that one.

Simpson runs like a crazy man into the middle, but we get the clearance and simply kick to his man Langford thirty metres clear. He sets up a McKernan clunk, who in turn gives a little centring kick to Dempsey who converts.

Fark Carlton get the big RED TIME point on the siren. Silvagni always looks like he’s crying.

At three-quarter time we lead 14.11.95 to 6.12.48

Put the anchors on, damnit.


Healy thinks Fark Carlton have had a “terrific” season.

I look it up; they finished 14th with a percentage of 79%

Communication specialists, y’all.


Long completely disappeared from the game since quarter time.

There is some seriously bad footy this quarter. Benny Hill music, please. Carlton finally work out you should ignore your team-mates and just kick as far as you can toward the goal. Sooner or later one will bounce through.

Weitering gave Langford a nice punch to the gut.

Fark Carlton have scored 3.3.21 this quarter… we’ve scored McGrath.


Parish been good this half.

Merrett burns through the middle, kicks to Smack who stuffs up multiple easy chances to goal… and then converts the difficult one from the boundary while being tackled.


Overall, a lot of nothing happening in this final quarter. I’m just here for the post-game awesomeness from our crowd.


Casboult almost kicks out on the full from fifteen out. It’s Essendon fans only at this point, and they enjoy this heartily.


Frodo gets the last goal, deep in RED TIME. Unlike his earlier point, he doesn’t celebrate it.


My memories of that game are that it’s the best I’ve ever seen Zerrett kick the ball. Absolutely immaculate delivery every time.


Casboult kicks it out on the full on the final siren. LOL.

We win 15.13.103 to 10.19.79

Joe D 17 disposals, 5 goals, and 3 Brownlow votes. Zerrett 34 and 2 votes. TIPPA 10 disposals and four goals for the remaining vote.

Parish leads tackles on 8 and finishes with 23 disposals.

Hartley, who I barely noticed, had 14 of our 42 one-percenters. Brown and Dea and Kelly top-up the rebound tallies.


Six minutes after the final siren, and the crowd is just as solid all the way to the MCC members area. It takes over 13 minutes before the players (and dozens of staff) start to leave the ground.


P.S. Fark Carlton.

Nighty night.


Big Blue issue: Will the drought end after 1020 days?

Riley Beveridge

THE NUMBER 100 has morphed into an almost mythical figure when talking about Fark Carlton.

Come the club’s round one fixture with Richmond next month, it will have been 55 games – or 1020 days, to be exact – since the team’s score last hit that magical triple-figure mark.

With each passing week throughout that period, pressure – externally at least – has grown on the club to finally break the shackles, score freely and eventually hit 100 points.

Not that you’d know, should you talk to Fark Carlton’s forward line group.

Led by forwards coach David Teague, the developing collection of promising key position players and speedy smalls are determined not to be defined by the number.

Ask promising youngster Harry McKay, for example, and the response is clear.

“We don’t have a whiteboard with the number 100 on it,” McKay told from the club’s pre-season training camp in Mooloolaba this week.

“We just think if we can execute our gameplan with the ball, then we can score 100 points.”

There is, however, a plan in place to improve Fark Carlton’s inability to hit the scoreboard.

But it’s not based on a better offensive system. Rather, it starts with defence.

As footy has shifted into a game of territory, with clubs like Richmond and Melbourne exemplifying the importance of locking the ball inside 50, Fark Carlton has fallen behind.

Champion Data notes that the Blues ranked last for time inside forward 50 last season, last for forward 50 pressure and last for forward 50 disposals. They also ranked second worst in the League for forward 50 tackles and for percentage of scores from forward 50 entries.

Quite simply, Fark Carlton didn’t keep the ball forward for long enough. And when they did ultimately get it down there, they didn’t score frequently enough.

It’s why the majority of the club’s summer has been focused on defence.

“It’s an interesting one, because people look at it from an offensive point of view, but you should look at it from a defensive point of view as well,” Teague told .

"It’s about being able to stop the ball in your front half and keep it in there, because you don’t go from your defensive 50 to score a lot.

"You might go from your defensive 50 to your offensive 50. But if you can turn the ball over again in your forward half, then you’re more likely to score.

"As much as it is your ability to move the ball – and if you can move it quickly and not allow teams to set up defensively, then that helps – but it’s also your ability to lock it in your front half. Eventually, if the ball is in your forward 50 enough, then you’ll score.

“That’s been our biggest issue, we haven’t had the ball in our forward 50 enough and we haven’t locked it in our front half to give us multiple opportunities to eventually score.”

The plan is therefore two-fold at Ikon Park. It starts with defence, then it builds towards letting a naturally talented group of forwards get to work on showcasing their skills.

But while questions may get posed about whether the Blues have the cattle to pressure defensively from the front – given Mitch McGovern’s arrival adds to a group that already consists of tall forwards McKay, Charlie Curnow and Levi Casboult – they have other ideas.

While all are big bodies, standing above or close to 200cm, they have all blitzed the field in this summer’s time trials. McKay and Curnow were two of the frontrunners, while Casboult drew praise from Teague for his vastly improved fitness base upon returning for pre-season.

All know that their roles will be defined by the pressure they produce.

“If you have immobile key forwards, it makes it hard when the ball hits the ground,” McKay said.

"But you look at all of our tall forwards, they’re all up the front of the running in the time trials. It means that when the ball hits the ground, there’s no excuse for us not to chase, tackle and win the ball on ground level.

"It’s been one of our main focuses as forwards. We don’t want to let the ball out easily. The more repeat entries we have, the more time the ball is in our forward line and the better chance we are of scoring.

“We want to help out our backline and midfield by being really aggressive and keeping the ball locked in. That will be the main focus of ours, then when the ball is down there we want to use our flair and talent.”

So, does this equate to more 100-point games for Fark Carlton?

The man leading the forwards group couldn’t care less, so long as it equates to more wins.

“We don’t talk about it, we just want to be the best offensive team,” Teague said.

"We’d love to kick 100 points every week, but it may not be that sort of game. In certain other games, it will be.

“We’d love for our fans to be excited about our ability to score, but at the end of the day we want to win and we’ll play a style of football that gives us the best chance of winning.”


Time in forward 50: 19% of game time (18th in the AFL in 2018)
Forward 50 tackles: 8.5 PG (17th in the AFL)
Forward 50 pressure factor: 154 PG (18th in the AFL)
Inside 50 to score percentage: 39.5% (17th in the AFL)
Forward 50 disposals: 36.9 PG (18th in the AFL)
** Stats courtesy of Champion Data* will detail other aspects from behind-the-scenes access at the Blues’ Maloolaba pre-season camp in the coming days


Love the way FarkCarlton still confuses time trials over 2 or 3 kilometres with mobility.
I suppose it does mean Casboult & co will be able to sustain their ineffectual chasing all the way to the wing after their opponents have side stepped them and put on the after-burners for the first 20 metres or so.